This rip
of corporate capitalism by Steven Pearlstein from The Washington Post (really!)
is kinda long but worth that space and the effort.
I am a corporate chief executive.
I am a
business owner.
I am a private-equity
fund manager.
I am the
misunderstood superhero of American capitalism, single-handedly creating wealth
and prosperity despite all the obstacles put in my way by employees, government
and the media.
I am a job creator and I am entitled.
I am entitled
to complain about the economy even when my stock price, my portfolio and my
profits are at record levels.
I am entitled to a healthy and well-educated workforce, a modern and efficient
transportation system and protection for my person and property, just as I am
entitled to demonize the government workers who provide them.
I am entitled to complain bitterly about taxes that are always too high, even
when they are at record lows.
I am entitled to a judicial system that efficiently enforces contracts and
legal obligations on customers, suppliers and employees but does not afford
them the same right in return.
I am entitled to complain about the poor quality of service provided by
government agencies even as I leave my own customers on hold for 35 minutes
while repeatedly telling them how important their call is.
I am entitled to a compensation package that is above average for my company’s
size and industry, reflecting the company’s aspirations if not its performance.
I am entitled to have the company pay for breakfasts and lunches, a luxury car
and private jet travel, my country club dues and home security systems, box
seats to all major sporting events, a pension equal to my current salary and a
full package of insurance — life, health, dental, disability and long-term care
— through retirement.
I am entitled to have my earned income taxed as capital gains and my investment
income taxed at the lowest rate anywhere in the world — or not at all.
I am entitled to inside information and favorable investment opportunities not
available to ordinary investors. I am entitled to brag about my investment
returns.
I am entitled to pass on my accumulated wealth tax-free to heirs, who in turn,
are entitled to claim that they earned everything they have.
I am entitled to use unlimited amounts of my own or company funds to buy
elections without disclosing such expenditures to shareholders or the public.
I am entitled to use company funds to burnish my own charitable reputation.
I am entitled to provide political support to radical, uncompromising
politicians and then complain about how dysfunctional Washington has become.
Although I have no clue how government works, I am entitled to be consulted on
public policy by politicians and bureaucrats who have no clue about how
business works.
I am entitled to publicly criticize the president and members of Congress, who
are not entitled to criticize me.
I am entitled to fire any worker who tries to organize a union. I am entitled
to break any existing union by moving, or threatening to move, operations to a
union-hostile environment.
I am entitled to a duty of care and loyalty from employees and investors who
are owed no such duty in return.
I am entitled to operate my business free of all government regulations other
than those written or approved by my industry.
I am entitled to load companies up with debt in order to pay myself and
investors big dividends — and then blame any bankruptcy on over-compensated
workers.
I am entitled to contracts, subsidies, tax breaks, loans and even bailouts from
government, even as I complain about job-killing government budget deficits.
I am entitled to federal entitlement reform.
I am
entitled to take credit for all the jobs I create while ignoring any jobs I
destroy.
I am entitled to claim credit for all the profits made during a booming economy
while blaming losses or setbacks on adverse market or economic conditions.
I am entitled to deny knowledge or responsibility for any controversial
decisions made after my departure from the company, even while profiting from
such decisions if they enhance shareholder value.
I am entitled to all the rights and privileges of running an American company,
but owe no loyalty to American workers or taxpayers.
I am entitled to confidential information about my employees and customers
while refusing even to list the company’s phone number on its Web site.
I am entitled to be treated with deference and respect by investors I mislead,
customers I bamboozle, directors I manipulate and employees I view as
expendable.
I am entitled to be lionized in the media without answering any questions from
reporters.
I am entitled to the VIP entrance.
I am
entitled to everything I have and more that I still deserve.
The
secret words are Enough and Already
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