THESE BIKINI SLUTS WILL SHORTLY BE EATEN BY FISH

I won’t be going to any cinema to see Piranha 3D. Of that I’m certain. I haven’t been too interested in fish-threat films since Quint was a shark’s lunch. Piranha also seems even less philosophically healthy than the average horror movie. Our pal Annalee Newitz at io9 tells us that it's little more than anti-evolution, anti-sex, pro-police state propaganda.

“There was no critics' screening of Piranha 3D, so I ventured out of my cave, $12 in hand, to see it yesterday afternoon. And now I know the truth. This movie is an authoritarian plot! I know totalitarian conspiracies can be hard to figure out when you've smoked like twelve bowls of pot and are watching shredded body parts zoom toward your face in 3D. That's why you need an expert like me, who has trained for many years to engage in precise cultural analysis while stoned. Just let me break it all down for you. The original Piranha movie from 1978 was written by leftist filmmaker John Sayles, and contains some pretty heavy anti-military messages. But as soon as the movie began, it became obvious that this was anti-evolutionary propaganda. As the film opens, we see the camera panning across a chainlink fence hung with one of those commonly-seen signs that say, "No Trespassing - Mesolithic Area Dig Site." That's right - the Mesolithic. One of those time periods that only evolutionists believe in. And of course that alerts you to where our toothy monsters are going to come from. Straight out of the goddamn Mesolithic. Or maybe the Pleistocene. It's hard to say for sure, because later the handy fish scientist (played by the extra-handy Christopher Lloyd) growls excitedly about how the piranhas are from "two million years ago, in the Pleistocene." (Click here for much more)