Friday, December 23, 2005

When I posted the Cryptique Christmas Cavalcade, I hadn’t realized that today was also Festivus.
Yes, brothers and sisters, it’s the...

Heap food on your family!
Without spilling a drop.
Santa gonna be coming.
Down your chimney tonight.
One of those bells that now and then ring.
I too was amazed.
Half full and half empty are the same fucking thing, man!
The camel in the eye with a needle.
You would be well advised to behave with discretion.
We played every song that driver knew.
The shaman does the cool jerk.
Except today isn’t Wednesday.
It’s Wednesday somewhere.
The bears were on fire.
The sidewalks were on fire.
A wild cat did howl.
The anagram of Satan.
Gobble, gobble.
How many nails did you say you had?
Charge in all directions at once!
We don’t need no stinking sanity clause.
We don’t need no stinking pear tree.
Ain’t nothing but a voice from the bicameral mind.
And science is mankind’s brother.
Beware the mineshaft gap!
You can put a cat in an oven.
But it don’t make it a biscuit.
You bloodthirsty reactionary, you are sadly mistaken.
There’s no one else in the car.
No direction home.
Johnny 7 One Man Army.
No figgy pudding.
The bird is still the word.
Not stealing. Paying tribute.
Recycle the airlock.
He injected himself with a hard-boiled egg.
No safety in objects.
Quick, before the fight starts.
She ran away on a bus to Vegas.
Fire in the impulse cylinders!
There are never enough lifeboats.
Workers of the World ignite!
You have nothing to lose but your branes.
A brane is a terrible thing to waste.
They make great pets.
Here come the proletariat.
Yes. They make great pets.
Clinton is spending more time in Harlem.
Undertake the undertaking.
I’m making breakfast.
I beat him when he sneezes.
I don’t feel well.
Welcome to the cheap seats.
Turn off all electrical devices.
Never jam today?
Do the timewarp again.
What took you so long?

I like the Iliad.
I've never been Homer-phobic.
Bechtel owns the rain.
You politically illiterate hooligan!
Clothed all in green, ho, ho.
Your accusation is no more than barking at the moon!
One is me and the other isn’t you.
Misery loves capital.
Five gold rings.
A committee will investigate.
He don’t know me very well, do he?
A insoluble crossword puzzle that demands no answers.
Your velcro has been cut.
The red wire or the blue wire?
Don’t take a knife to a gunfight.
Rule Britannia.
Hello sailor.
What did you expect from a nautical nation?
There must be some kinda way out of here.
Living is easy with eyes closed.
Close my eyes and drift away.
Some junkie nurse has been cutting the morphine with Sani-Flush.
Dr Benway, I presume?
So walk my happy ass outta here.

The secret word is Wassail

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Maybe Ann Coulter should simply be put to sleep. Between the cigarettes and bulimia, she can’t be a happy girl. She has even ceased even to be funny, as in her Christmas column. (And no, I ain’t gonna provide a link.)
"I think the government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly throughout the Middle East, and sending liberals to Guantanamo."

The report of the FBI harassing students over Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book is apparently a hoax, but that it was so plausible says volumes of how we view our government. (ie We don’t trust the bastards further than we can hurl.) To make up for the error, here's an account of how the Feds carried on back in the day by veteran radical and old pal Stew Albert...


The secret word is Credible


Wednesday, December 21, 2005

My TV has used the word "impeachment" at least five times today. Now wouldn’t would that be a Yuletide gift to warm the heart? But let’s not forget that Cheney has to go first. After Bush is impeached, we’re stuck with whatever VP for the next three fucking years.
And not only have Bush and his gang apparently driven a semi-truck through federal law and the Constitution, but in a manner, it emerges, that is totally witless. As in...

The secret word is Oooops!

Alien in Bun-O-Vision (courtesy of Rich)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

But where shall we start? The report sent by some girl on rampaging Santas in New Zealand?

Or revelations about Joe Stalin and monkeys?

Or more about monkeys? (Although I’d naively thought Spencer Tracy had sorted this all out in the 1920s.)

Or maybe The Invisible Sphere of Condi Rice?

And what would Xmas be without a serious dose of Yuletide paranoia. (This one from the good people at Leftist Cunts

NEW BEDFORD -- A senior at UMass Dartmouth was visited by federal agents two months ago, after he requested a copy of Mao Tse-Tung's tome on Communism called "The Little Red Book." Two history professors at UMass Dartmouth, Brian Glyn Williams and Robert Pontbriand, said the student told them he requested the book through the UMass Dartmouth library's interlibrary loan program. The student, who was completing a research paper on Communism for Professor Pontbriand's class on fascism and totalitarianism, filled out a form for the request, leaving his name, address, phone number and Social Security number. He was later visited at his parents' home in New Bedford by two agents of the Department of Homeland Security, the professors said. The professors said the student was told by the agents that the book is on a "watch list," and that his background, which included significant time abroad, triggered them to investigate the student further.
"I tell my students to go to the direct source, and so he asked for the official Peking version of the book," Professor Pontbriand said. "Apparently, the Department of Homeland Security is monitoring inter-library loans, because that's what triggered the visit, as I understand it."
Although The Standard-Times knows the name of the student, he is not coming forward because he fears repercussions should his name become public. He has not spoken to The Standard-Times. The professors had been asked to comment on a report that President Bush had authorized the National Security Agency to spy on as many as 500 people at any given time since 2002 in this country. The eavesdropping was apparently done without warrants. The Little Red Book, is a collection of quotations and speech excerpts from Chinese leader Mao Tse-Tung. In the 1950s and '60s, during the Cultural Revolution in China, it was required reading. Although there are abridged versions available, the student asked for a version translated directly from the original book. The student told Professor Pontbriand and Dr. Williams that the Homeland Security agents told him the book was on a "watch list." They brought the book with them, but did not leave it with the student, the professors said. Dr. Williams said in his research, he regularly contacts people in Afghanistan, Chechnya and other Muslim hot spots, and suspects that some of his calls are monitored.
"My instinct is that there is a lot more monitoring than we think," he said.
Dr. Williams said he had been planning to offer a course on terrorism next semester, but is reconsidering, because it might put his students at risk.
"I shudder to think of all the students I've had monitoring al-Qaeda Web sites, what the government must think of that," he said. "Mao Tse-Tung is completely harmless."
This story appeared on Page A9 of The Standard-Times on December 17, 2005.

The secret word is Gestapo

Monday, December 19, 2005

On second thoughts, however, this Elvis Jr is maybe not so weird. He does have an online gift shop. (And I actually kinda like the fascist-looking Elvis wings.)
Yes, my friends, it’s time for the Xmas weird. I found this in a moment of net wandering, and, as weird, it can hardly be beat.

The secret word is Implausible