SUNDAY BREAKFAST

Back in the days of yore, after Sunday breakfast, she would smoke and I would drink vodka and grapefruit juice and ponder philosophy. Then we might go back to bed for the balance of the day. Will those days ever come again? Who knows? Maybe they will. (The following pondering was supplied by our pal Elf Hellion but the identity of its original author is unclear.)

FAMOUS WORLD IDEOLOGIES AS EXPLAINED BY COWS

* Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
* Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.
* Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
* Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
* Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
* Real World Communism: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need”. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
* Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
* Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the “free” market.
* Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
* Militarianism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
* Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
* Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
* Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
* British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.
* Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
* Pure Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
* Pure Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
* Capitalism: You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.
* Enviromentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
* Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently – aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
* Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Click here for a satiric or maybe ironic shout-out to Tottenham. (I add ironic and satiric so I’m not dragged off for incitement.)

The secret word is Repeat